


to be without you

by angstonly



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: 00z friendship!!, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, kind of?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:35:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23818558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstonly/pseuds/angstonly
Summary: this is enough, jeno thinks. it has to be.life without mark is far too painful an alternative. it's much more painful than this.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Mark Lee
Comments: 14
Kudos: 46
Collections: nono birthday bash





	to be without you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hotgirljaemin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotgirljaemin/gifts).



> mollie!! i had a lot of fun writing this and i really hope you like it!! i honestly couldn't decide on which prompt to do because i loved all of them.
> 
> and happy birthday jeno!!!
> 
> PROMPT: Long distance relationship setting. Surprise visit for Jeno’s birthday

jeno can't see through his tears.

he lies awake that night, phone in hand, scrolling through messages and wondering when everything went wrong. it doesn't make any sense to him — they were fine until they weren't. they were happy until they weren't.

"long distance is hard," jaemin would always remind him. "it's a rough patch, but you'll get through it. you always do. you're mark and jeno after all."

jeno wants to believe it. a year and a half together wouldn't just disappear without warning, would it? feelings don't fade out of nowhere. there are always signs, little hints here and there, a gradual distance.

none of this is like that. none of this is gradual. it's waking up one day and feeling how withdrawn his boyfriend is, just like that. jeno asks, but mark reassures him it's nothing. everything's okay. they're okay. nothing's wrong.

he'd be inclined to believe it if not for how absolutely different mark acts, how dry he is when they text, how cold he is when they call. jeno has stopped counting the days since he's last asked mark to facetime with him. it's not like any of their last calls have done anything to ease his anxious mind anyway.

jeno sits up. he can't breathe anymore. all he can think about is how close he feels to losing mark. and so against his better judgment, he calls.

"jeno?" mark's voice is hoarse. jeno can hear how tired he is and the guilt begins to gnaw at his insides. "what's up? is everyth — jeno, are you crying? what happened?"

jeno responds with a shaky exhale and a choked out, "mark, i miss you."

"oh jen," he hears mark sigh. there's noise on the other line he assumes is from him shifting in his bed. "go to sleep. it's late."

"you don't miss me?" jeno asks, voice quiet and unsure. he hates this. he hates how small he feels. he hates how much he's doubt is nagging in the pit of his stomach.

"of course i do, jeno," mark says. "i miss you every day."

"then… then why—" jeno has to cut himself off as the lump in his throat grows, threatens to break his voice. he takes a deep breath, eyes focused on a spot on his wall, hoping that he won't break down in more tears if he wills himself enough. "i'm sorry."

"what? why are you apologizing?" jeno can imagine how confused mark must look right now. he's always been the kind of guy who wears his feelings on his face, unable to hide when jeno looks him in the eye. "jeno?"

"are you going to break up with me?"

the silence that follows tells him all he needs to know.

tears stream down his face, grip tight on his phone. he finds himself laughing despite himself, especially when mark finally breaks the silence and says, "no."

"took you a while to say the one word," jeno chuckles, wiping on his tears. "you've thought about it, i'm assuming."

"jeno, can we not talk about this right now? i just — i don't know what to say, okay? i don't want to hurt you."

"but you already are."

they try. they really do try. they force themselves into old routines, old habits. they do their best amidst the distance, amidst the growing emptiness jeno feels in his heart. he sits in front of his laptop, small smile on his lips, watching mark from the screen as he focuses on homework. jeno never used to mind it — he loves seeing mark hard at work, loves seeing the creases on his forehead when he's concentrating, loves seeing the triumphant smile on his face when he finishes a problem.

jeno has always been a fool for mark, so in love with every little thing he does.

but the flutter in his stomach is gone. in its place is a gut-wrenching void, a pain he doesn't understand, a desperate longing for what little time jeno thinks they have left. he smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes.

"jen," mark says, looking up from whatever he's working on to stare into the camera. "are you sure you're okay with this? you're just staring at me."

jeno fights the tears pooling in his eyes. if mark notices, he doesn't say anything and just looks at him with his lips pressed into a thin line. "yeah," jeno forces a laugh, ignoring the stab in his chest. "yeah, it's okay. i'm okay."

he doesn't even believe himself; he doubts mark does. jeno wonders how long its been since they've last had a good call, since they've last made each other laugh, since they've last said i love you without tears in jeno's eyes.

he wonders if it's all been there, building up slowly until they reach this point. maybe jeno was too in love to notice, to see the shift in their conversations, to hear the hesitation in mark's voice whenever he mentioned the future.

"we can talk after i finish up this problem," mark brings him out of his thoughts. "or we can watch a movie. whatever you want to do."

jeno hates that this is enough. he hates that he just takes everything as they are, never protesting because it's _mark_. he eats out of the palm of mark's hand, a tiny bird so desperate for anything mark lee that he settles for what little he's given, for less than he knows in his heart he deserves. he hates that he smiles amidst the ache in his chest and waits patiently until mark is done.

 _this is enough_ , jeno thinks. _it has to be_.

life without mark is far too painful an alternative. it's much more painful than this.

"are you ready for your kickass birthday party, jen?"

jeno looks up from his book with his eyebrows furrowed. donghyuck is grinning at him as he seats himself on the space beside jeno, haphazardly setting his books down on the table.

the birthday party is a year in the making, facebook event created weeks before his birthday the year before. he mentioned wanting to have a party for his twentieth, and donghyuck made the event page right then and there. there's no protesting once donghyuck makes his mind up about something, even more so when jaemin is right by his side to enable him.

"i don't know, hyuck," jeno admits, closing his book and sighing. there's been so much weighing heavily on his mind that he would have forgotten if not for donghyuck and jaemin reminding him every time they see each other. "i kind of don't—"

"oh no," donghyuck interrupts him. "no, jen, no. we are not cancelling. don't even think about it. this would be good for you, trust me. renjun, nana, and i have it all ready and planned."

"how in the world would it be good for me?" jeno frowns, eyebrows furrowed as he stares back at donghyuck. "my days of using alcohol as a coping mechanism are long gone, you know. i'm not going to pick it back up again just because things are going to shit, tempting as it may be."

donghyuck rolls his eyes at him then gives him a pointed look. "it's not the alcohol, you dumbass. don't drink if you don't want to — that's perfectly fine. i just want you to come and hang out with people, jeno. i don't know exactly what's going with you and mark, but i do know that you're drowning. we're all worried about you. you've been so out of it lately that i just _know_ that hanging out with your friends would be good for you — friends who are all there for _you_ , to celebrate _you_."

deep down, jeno knows that donghyuck is right. it's not like they haven't been undeniably obvious about how concerned they've been. he thinks to all the times jaemin has waltzed through his door, bags of food or groceries in hand. he tries to feign nonchalance when jeno tells him he knows what he's doing, but jaemin has always been easy to read for jeno.

then he thinks to all the times donghyuck has bombarded his phone with the stupidest messages, pictures of memes and stupid tweets to put a smile on his face. donghyuck isn't always the most direct when it comes to showing he cares, often masking it all with caustic comments that would be off-putting to some. jeno knows him well, though. he knows the worry that coats each biting remark.

he thinks to all the times renjun has forced him out of his apartment, insisting that fresh air would be good for him. jeno always finds it funny that renjun's definition of fresh air is to hole up in the library the entire day to read books or do homework. jeno complains, but he knows why renjun does it.

he knows why all of them do.

"you're right," jeno finally says. the tug in his heart is different this time. he finds a smile settling on his lips, an overwhelming affection for his friends taking over the warmth in his chest. he's felt lonely, he admits. but as he thinks to how these last couple of months have been, he realizes he's never been alone. he's always had his best friends by his side, whether he was aware of it or not. "you're right. i'm sorry. let's party."

there's a cheeky grin on jeno's face as renjun threatens to stab him with an eyeliner pencil.

renjun is in jeno's apartment to help him get ready. he insists on being the one to dress him tonight, wanting to make sure that jeno looks the best he could possibly be. donghyuck whined about not being there, especially when he's the self-proclaimed beauty guru of their group. he and renjun bickered about it until donghyuck had to go on his errands.

"if you say that one more fucking time, i swear," renjun glares at him, making a stabbing motion with the pencil in his hand. "i'll actually do it. don't try me."

he's always loved teasing renjun the most out of all their friends. jeno thinks he has the best reactions. jaemin would take everything with grace, would even play along until he somehow he finds himself being the one teased instead. he doesn't even realize it until he feels the heat on the tips of his ears. donghyuck would instantly bite back, relentless in the reciprocation. it's too difficult teasing donghyuck because he always has something to say. if there's any chance at winning, it has to be a perfectly timed attack.

renjun, on the other hand, is a perfect mix of both. he can easily rival donghyuck when it comes to battles with words and jaemin when it comes to playing along with him. the only difference is that his face never fails to hide how shy he feels.

"you wouldn't because i'm right," jeno hums, looking over his reflection in the mirror with a smile. "you'll knock the fuck out before i even get tipsy, i just know it. and when that happens, nana's going to be carrying your ass home."

"stop. it." renjun warns. his cheeks are flushed pink, splashes of color creeping up his neck. it proves jeno's point and he can't help but laugh.

"okay, okay," jeno raises his hands in mock defeat. "i'll stop for now. i just love messing with you, jun."

"i know, i know," renjun rolls his eyes and tosses the pencil back into the little makeup kit donghyuck lent them. he fills the empty shot glasses on his dresser with the remaining vodka jeno has lying around. "take a shot, asshole. they'll make me chug if you're not five shots in by the time we get there."

he takes the shot as soon as their glasses clink, the burn enough to make both him and renjun groan. cheap vodka is great for mixes, not so much for shots. it will do, though. he's sure that there's more waiting for him at donghyuck's house — a dedicated line of shots with his name written on it. maybe it's even spelling out his name. (he wouldn't put it past donghyuck.)

"you excited?" renjun asks him as he refills jeno's glass. "you're beating teen pregnancy at midnight."

"i'm going to take this shot because of how stupid that joke was," jeno deadpans at him before taking the shot, groaning at the taste and the burn down his throat. he sets the glass back down on the dresser before turning back to renjun. "and to answer your question, yes. i know i was being hesitant about it, but i'm actually really looking forward to it now. i guess i've been so distracted by mark that i just…"

jeno trails off, mark's name more bitter on his tongue than the alcohol. he's done a good job of distracting himself from everything mark lately, focusing instead on reconnecting with his friends. still, the thoughts come when he's settled in bed, tucked under the covers, moonlight peeking through the curtains in his bedroom.

winter break plays in his mind over and over again. it's always winter break. jeno thinks it's because it's the last time he remembers being happy with mark, the last memory of them just laughing and enjoying being with each other until everything went downhill. he sees the way mark greets him at the airport, smiling more brightly than he'd ever seen before. he pulls jeno into his arms and whispers _i've missed you_ in his ear before kissing him senseless right in the middle of the crowd. the scene comes straight out of a cheesy romance movie, but jeno never cared. not when holding mark felt like holding the entire universe in his arms. not when kissing mark felt like everything finally made sense. not when seeing mark smile felt like he'd never felt true happiness before right then.

"i miss him," jeno blurts out, chest feeling constricted as he smiles sadly at renjun. "but i think… i don't know, renjun. i think the end is coming. i think i'm losing him and we're both too scared to say that it's the end."

"jeno," renjun sits down next to him and wraps his arms around jeno. jeno never really talked about mark to anyone other than jaemin, but he knows that everyone else knows. they have an idea, at least. "try not to think about it tonight. it's your birthday party."

"i know, i just… it's hard to just have fun and ignore everything when all i want is for him to hold me and tell me that this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach is wrong," jeno stands to pour himself another shot. he supposes he should be pacing considering the amount of alcohol he knows is waiting for him at donghyuck's, but he takes the shot anyway. "it's hard to pretend i don't miss him today."

"we're not asking you to," renjun takes the glass from him once he downs the shot. "it's okay to miss him, jeno. just try to have fun tonight, okay? it's your birthday."

he was right about the line of shots waiting for him. as soon as he and renjun get to donghyuck's, he's given a shot. it's the entrance free, they tell him. jeno rolls his eyes but takes it anyway. who is he to deny free drinks on what's supposed to be his day?

this mindset is exactly what leads him to being drunk as shit just barely past midnight. he takes every drink handed to him without question, a drink vacuum for the night. his friends cheer him on every time, telling him how proud they are of him when he downs another shot. he's glad he has a decent alcohol tolerance with how much alcohol they're giving him. he takes all of it like the champ that he is.

"you having fun?" jaemin asks him, seating himself on the empty space beside jeno in the back porch. "you've drank a lot already."

jeno is drunk beyond comprehension, but he knows that jaemin is sober. jaemin doesn't really like drinking so he ends up being caretaker for all of them. jeno pulls him close and rests his head on jaemin's shoulder. "i am," he tells him. "but i wish mark were here."

drunk as he is, he can't help but wonder what mark is doing, especially when he hasn't even greeted jeno yet, when he usually does at midnight. he wonders if this is all the proof he needs to confirm that the end has come for them. it's his birthday after all.

but before he could tell jaemin, before he could even begin to ramble about everything mark lee he's kept quiet all night, he hears a voice. a voice too familiar, to _real_ to just be a figment of his drunken imagination.

"i'm here, jeno."

jeno pulls away from jaemin to stare at the figure now standing in front of him. despite the inebriation, he can see mark clearly. he kneels in front of jeno, taking his hand, placing a gentle kiss on his knuckles. "i'm here, jeno," he repeats, pulling jeno into his arms. "I'm here."

jeno freezes, the warmth of mark's embrace too comfortable to be real. "mark?" he asks, tentative, disbelieving. "i'm drunk. you're not really here. fuck, i'm hallucinating, aren't i?"

"no, jeno, you're not," mark tells him, placing the softest of kisses on his forehead. "i'm right here, baby. i'm right here. i'm here. happy birthday, jeno."

jeno wakes up with his head pounding. the light is a little too much to bear as he sits up, rubbing the sleep away from his eyes. the night before is a haze, too blurry for comprehension. the last thing he remembers is imagining mark there with him, holding him and kissing him like in jeno's daydreams.

"go back to bed."

jeno blinks, heart racing at the sound of that same voice he heard last night. it couldn't be, right? there's no way it's actually mark in his bed, telling him to come back, arm draped around his body. but when he looks over at the body beside him, jeno feels his heart thundering against his ribcage. it _is_ mark, sleepy and incoherent, tugging at jeno's shirt.

"mark?" jeno's voice is so unsure as he sinks back onto the mattress, shifting onto his side to get a clearer view of the face beside him. "fucking hell, mark lee. what are you doing here?"

it's this question that shakes mark awake, has him staring deep into jeno's eyes despite the fatigue evident on his face. "I had to see you," mark tells him, fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt. "i had to see you, jen. i had to."

there's a desperation in mark's tone that renders him speechless, lips parting and closing and parting again as he searches his mind for the right words to say. mark being here next to him is too surreal, too strange. jeno feels like he's dreaming.

but then he reaches out, fingers lightly brushing against the mole on mark's cheek. mark's skin is warm under his fingertips, feeling electric to his touch. "you're really here," he whispers, hand tracing the side of mark's face. "my drunk brain didn't just imagine you last night. you're really here."

when mark stares at him like this, jeno almost forgets. he almost forgets about how difficult things have been between them, how strange mark has been acting, how distant they've become. he almost forgets that he's cried himself to sleep at night, wondering if there's something he did that led to this. he almost forgets that he's convinced they're at their end, that their imminent goodbye is just a breath away.

"i've been hurting you," mark says, reaching over to cup jeno's cheek. "i haven't been good to you for a while."

up close, jeno can see it — the fatigue, the exhaustion, the pain. mark has always been the kind of guy to wear his feelings on his face; right now is no exception. the longer they stare at each other like this, the more jeno realizes that the anguish isn't as one-sided as he'd been assuming. mark's eyes reflect the hurt in jeno's own.

"is this the end, mark? did you come here for a final goodbye?" jeno's voice is soft, tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

"no, of course not!" mark's eyes widen in a panic. jeno finds himself smiling at this — mark looks cute when he's surprised, eyes wide and round, mouth slightly ajar. "i wouldn't do that to you on your birthday, jeno. i wouldn't — _hell_ , jeno, i'm here because i miss you and i want us to — i want to fix things. i don't like how things have been between us lately and i know that i'm to blame for it all. i just — i want to make things right somehow."

jeno's tears slowly fall, but mark is quick to wipe them away. jeno takes mark's hand in his, holding tightly as if he could disappear at any moment. there's a small light in the darkness of his mind, a small pin light of hope that maybe there's still more to write about their story.

"i don't know what we need to fix though," jeno sighs, closing his eyes as he squeezes mark's hand again. "we've been trying to go back to old routines, but it feels like we drift farther apart the more we do. i don't even know what happened or where things went wrong. everything was good and then it wasn't."

"i'm sorry, jeno. it's all my fault."

they're simple words yet so powerful. jeno is overcome by a rush of emotions, lips quivering as the tears stream down his face. mark pulls him close, holds him tightly, whispers apologies and _i love you_ s into his hair. when jeno is all cried out, mark's lips brush against his.

and just like that, jeno already feels infinitely better. it's mark, after all — his beautiful and kind boyfriend mark lee, who hurts when jeno hurts, who tears himself apart every time jeno cries. they talk for the rest of the afternoon, telling each other all they've been holding back until now.

and when all is said and done, jeno thinks that maybe he was wrong. maybe their end wasn't actually as near as he thought it was. 

they spend the rest of the weekend together, drowning in each other's scent until it's time for mark to go. jeno takes him to the airport, finding a quiet place just outside security where they can spend more time together until mark absolutely has to leave.

they talk about winter break and find themselves laughing, recalling all the fun they had as they drove around, windows down, singing their hearts out to songs from their childhood. jeno can't remember the last time they've genuinely just enjoyed each other's presence like that. at least, before this weekend.

"it always feels better when i'm with you," mark admits, head on jeno's shoulder, drawing shapes on jeno's thigh. "i feel like i can breathe better when you're here."

jeno smiles, an arm wrapped around mark as faint pink adorns his cheeks. they've been together for a year and a half, friends for much longer, but he still feels the butterflies every time mark says something like that. he doesn't think he'll ever get used to it; he's just that in love with mark.

"i'm worried though," mark continues, hand resting on jeno's knee. "what happens when i go back? this is the best i've felt in a while, jeno. it's because i'm here with you, holding you, seeing you smile. i'm scared things will just go back to how it was before this weekend once i get on that plane and leave."

"i'm scared too," jeno says, heart pounding in his chest. his birthday weekend has been so wonderful because of this surprise, because of mark coming just to spend time with him. it's a weekend free of the worries that's been plaguing his thoughts, free of the doubts nagging at every fiber of his soul. he spends time with mark and it feels like nothing has changed, like mark never left. "we don't really know what's going to happen next. maybe things will go back to how they were, or maybe things will get better. we don't really know. what i _do_ know is that i love you and i don't want to lose you. remember what we promised each other back then? as long as we both still want to make things work, we'll always find a way to do it."

"i love you," mark echoes, shifting to look jeno in the eye. like this, mark just looks like a boy — scared, nervous, unsure. jeno stares back at him with a smile, holding his hand tightly to reassure him he's still all in. "we'll find a way?"

jeno nods and says, "yes, we'll find a way."

time passes too quickly for their liking, because soon enough it's time for mark to go. jeno walks with him towards the security line, fingers laced together, more tears threatening to fall. jeno has never been good at this part — he always feels emotional when it's time to say goodbye. but mark tugs him close and kisses him, ignoring the murmurs and stares from passersby. it's a scene straight out of a cheesy romance movie, but neither of them care.

mark promises he'll share his feelings more with jeno, that he'll talk to jeno instead of bottling everything up and insisting on dealing with them all alone. jeno promises he'll always be there, ready to listen and reassure him that everything will be okay.

they know that one weekend doesn't completely fix everything; there's still so much to discuss about how their relationship will go once mark goes back. but as mark waves at him from past the security line, jeno can't help but feel that they'll be alright somehow.

they're mark and jeno after all.


End file.
